Relating personal experiences to content transcript

So let’s say my partner says to me, “I don’t think you’ve been doing a great job of balancing work and family lately. You seem tired and stressed much of the time.” He means this in a sympathetic way, knowing firsthand how hard it can be to strike this balance, and he brings this up because he doesn’t like to see me suffering and wants to talk about some improvements we can make in our lives. And if that’s how I interpret his message, my response is liable to be something along the lines of “yeah, I don’t feel like I’m thriving these days, I hope we can make some changes and try to get back to a more balanced place.” If we’re a couple who is relatively satisfied in our relationship, then I’m likely to see this positive intention from him, and respond accordingly. But if we were unsatisfied to begin with, it’s more likely that I would read something negative into his statement, like see it as a criticism or accusation. And so I’m liable to respond “What do you want from me! I’m doing the best I can! It’s not like you’re the world’s greatest Dad these days.” And now we have a conflict instead of a team-building type of discussion. What’s important to note is that in one such study, happy and unhappy couples didn’t differ in the rate at which they made statements that were intended to be positive. Rather, the difference was in how those statements were interpreted. Happy couples were more likely to rate the impact of these statements as positive, whereas unhappy couples were more likely to see them as relatively negative.

Simply being aware of this bias can be helpful in adjusting our own behaviour, but certainly it makes sense also to ask your partner for clarification of their message when you believe they might be saying something negative.